Emily Vs. Darla

3/21/10 7:30 a.m.

Amidst the bustle and harsh scrutiny of the various flight attendants making sure the degree of my chair remains in the upright position and that my bag is not exposed beneath my feet, I watch the most curious of human behaviors. A girl not more than 8 has so graciously decided to sit across the aisle from my chosen seat, and although she is clearly upset because she has been so rudely separated from her father (who is currently seated behind me) she finds menial tasks to entertain herself while her younger sister (seated next to her) picks at her like an ape. Her first chosen victim is the sky mall magazine, which resides in the seat back in front of her. Sky mall is seemingly harmless I would think, it offers me awfully interesting gadgets that for the duration of the flight I am convinced I need. Not just need, these items are life-sustaining necessities. Like for example, who doesn’t need the self-rinsing grass patch that apartment and condo dogs love? It even comes with a scented fire hydrant to attract my loyal pooch. Now, I don’t have a dog, but I imagine if I did I would want him to have this, and it would be possible all thanks to sky mall. Anyway, this little girl (who for the sake of resemblance we will call Darla, for I feel like one of her helpless goldfish in the all to small bag trying to escape) takes the magazine into her diabolical hands and begins to systematically rip out every page of the innocent paper product…One-By-One. Mind you, there are one or two other people watching this girl now, but she is oblivious. As her sister attempts to notify her by a gentle tap of the spectacle she has become to surrounding passengers she WHAPS her harder than an angry schoolteacher. She does this all without skipping a heartfelt beat in her shredding ceremony. After she finally realizes that the sky mall magazine no longer fits her fancy, she moves onto the unpeeling the southwest sticker off the tray table in front of her. Realizing that this too is a bad idea, she stops just in time to ask the attendant for a hot chocolate. This girl definitely does not need anything with caffeine byproducts in it, nor does she need anything with the words HOT. Suddenly the ground begins to rumble and the earth begins to shake, and I am sure that hell has opened up its mouth to welcome back its master. I realize that we have now only begun to take off. Long, long, weird flight ahead. She looks bored. I am almost sure she is bored. She at least is unamused enough to look over and make eye contact with me for approximately 10 seconds. Scariest 10 seconds of my life, I dare not breathe for fear I might light another vicious flame from within her. Good thing Daddy (who is definitely oblivious now reading his own un-torn copy of sky mall) has invested in a child size laptop. Maybe she should play some kind of violent game it to slack her thirst for aggressive interaction. Well farewell Darla, may your leopard print children’s glasses and your big Angelina Jolie lips take you far in life.

She scares me. Her beady eyes keep glancing menacingly in my direction. She knows. Omnipotence is one of her born talents. Taking note from afar, I believe she has peace earrings on too. Now that is what Mrs. Clark would refer to as ironic. Gum and Gameboys—both don’t last very long seeing as she has almost single-handedly made it through an entire pack and I don’t think we have even soared over St. George